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Chapter 1
I had just taken out my disc man and sat back in my horrible aeroplane seat when someone tapped me on the shoulder.
‘Sorry, can I get through please? That’s my seat.’ Recognising the voice I looked up.
‘Kian!’ The name was out of my mouth before I knew what I was doing.
‘Well, that saves me introducing myself, doesn’t it?’ He smiled and sat down in the seat next to me.
‘Ummm, yeah, I guess. I’m Harriet.’ I stuck out my hand and he shook it. He hand was warm and soft.
‘Nice to meet you.’
‘You too.’ Suddenly, the idea of a 22 hour flight to Sydney seemed a lot more appealing.
Too nervous to start up any kind of conversation I pulled out my CDs from my disc man case and started looking through them. I could sense Kian looking over my shoulder.
‘That’s a good CD!’ Kian grinned cheekily and I realised I was in the middle of putting the latest Westlife CD into my player. I blushed.
‘Umm, yeah. It IS good.’ Not daring to look him in the eye, I went on. ‘Would you maybe sign it for me?’
‘Sure. Have you got a pen?’
‘Yeah.’ I rooted around in my bag and pulled out my pen. My face fell as I saw that it was the free one I’d been sent when I joined the Westlife fan club. I blushed, again.
‘Why am I getting the feeling you might be a little bit of a Westlife fan?’
‘You could say that.’ I finally looked at him. He was smiling, but in a friendly way. I handed him the CD and the pen and he signed it for me.
‘So are you going all the way to Sydney then?’ He handed the CD back to me.
‘Yup. You?’
‘Yeah, me too. You’re stuck with me all the way!’
‘Oh, I think I’ll survive.’ First class seats, thanks to my parents and none other than Kian Egan to keep me company for almost 24 hours. Life didn’t get much better!
I looked around. ‘So are the other guys here too?’ I couldn’t see them.
‘No. This is a holiday. Though I think I must be mad to volunteer to spend even more time on a plane than I normally do!’
‘I was gonna say!’ The captain’s voice came over the intercom, telling us that we were just about to take off. The plane started off down the runway, gathering speed as we went and Kian lent back in his seat. His eyes were gripped over the armrests, he was taking deep breaths and his eyes were closed.
‘Don’t tell me you’re scared of flying?!’
Kian opened his eyes. ‘No, not normally, but the first time we went to Australia our plane got hit by lightning!’
‘Oh yeah. I’d forgotten about that.’
‘How did you know about it?’
‘I think one of you must have mentioned it in an interview or something.’
‘Yeah probably. We do so many we forget what we’ve said half the time.’
‘I’m not surprised.’
Kian closed his eyes again and I watched his chest rise and fall with each breath.
How amazing was this? And the holiday hadn’t
even started yet!
Chapter 2
Quite quickly after takeoff Kian fell asleep. I dozed off pretty soon afterwards. When I woke up, Kian had headphones on and was watching a film on the little TV screen we had on the seats in front. He turned to me and slipped his headphones off.
‘Morning sleepyhead. Or is it afternoon? I can never figure these things out!’ He grinned and I checked my watch. 04.15 UK time. Three hours after take off.
‘Hi. Is the film any good?’
‘Nope. I’ve seen it before anyway. But it was better than the conversation I was getting from you!’
‘Sorry.’ I yawned.
‘Don’t worry. Normally, long haul flights are the only time we’re guaranteed any sleep. They’re better than those stupid 40 minute flights from London to Dublin.’
‘Yeah, but I’d rather go to Dublin. It’s a beautiful place. Seems like a second home to me.’
‘Where’s your first home?’
‘Edinburgh. Well, just outside.’
‘Must be the Celtic connection then.’
‘Maybe. My granddad's family were Irish.’
‘Really? Whereabouts?’
‘Mullingar. Right in the middle.’
‘Yeah, I know it. Well, know of it at least. Geography wasn’t my strong point!’
‘It isn’t mine either. Couldn’t stand it. That’s why I dropped it as soon as possible.’
‘So, are you at college now or what?’
‘God no. I’m only 16! Just done my GCSEs.’
‘You’re kidding? You seem a lot older.’
‘Well I’m not! I would show you my passport to prove it, but that would mean you’d have to see the dreadful photo!’
‘Ah go on. I’ll show you mine!’
‘No.’
‘Please?’ Who could resist that face?
‘Okay then.’ I delved into my bag and pulled out my passport. Kian half stood up and took his out of his pocket. We swapped over and opened them to the photo pages. Kian’s was gorgeous, but who’d expect any different?
‘Your’s is good! I don’t know why you don’t like it. You look about my age!’
‘Well I wasn’t even 15 when it was taken.’
‘Hang on a sec, you’re Harriet Robson?’
‘Last time I checked!’
‘As in the Harriet Robson who does those message books for our birthdays and Christmas and stuff?’
‘The very same!’
‘Wow. We love getting all those - they’re really good!’
‘I’m glad you like them. Did you get the one for your 21st?’
‘Yeah, only a few weeks ago actually cos I hadn’t seen Louis in ages. In fact,’ he paused and reached into his bag, ‘I’ve got it here! I never got chance to read them all so I thought I’d bring it along.’
‘You really read them all?’ I couldn’t believe it.
‘Always. Sometimes it take a couple of months, but I make sure I read them sometime. But there seem to be more and more every time.'
‘That’s cos there are! There was over 200 for the Christmas one and over 120 for your birthday one! It’s been a nightmare trying to do Shane’s one cos I was in the middle of exams and everything, so he got it a wee bit late!’
‘He got it last week - I was with him when he got it off Louis. There’s a letter to you from him in the post.’
‘Cool. I’ll get it when I get home.’
‘And when’s that?’
‘What, when I go home?’ Kian nodded. ‘August 22nd. In time to get my results on the 26th.’
‘Are you nervous?’
‘Not really. I was for the exams, but there’s nothing I can do about it now. Que sera, sera.’
‘What do you want to do now?’
‘Well eventually I want to do law with languages, but I’m not too sure what I’ll do for A levels. Depends on my results really.’
‘I wanted to be a lawyer, you know. Never did the languages bit though. I’ve learnt more since I’ve been in the band than I ever did at school.’
‘I love languages - especially French. I’ve done it for 12 years.’
‘Really? I wish I could do that - be fluent, I mean.’
‘Oh, I’m not fluent. But I enjoy it.’
For the next half hour, I taught Kian useless French
phrases, and we laughed together as he tried to get his tongue around the pronunciation.
Then we both fell asleep again, Kian with my head on his shoulder.
Chapter 3
I woke up first this time. Kian’s head was resting back on the window. I switched on my disc man and picked up my magazine.
Flicking through the fashion pages, I started quietly humming along to myself. A few minutes later, I became aware of Kian watching me.
‘Who’s the sleepyhead now then?’ I gave him a playful elbow.
‘Okay, okay. I’m awake now, aren’t I? Do you always sing in public?’
‘Yeah. I’m pretty rubbish though.’
‘No, you’ve got a good voice.’
‘I think your head must still be a little fuzzy from your sleep!’
‘Right fine, don’t believe someone who’s had 7 number ones then!’
‘Oh modesty as well as looks and charm - some people get all the luck!’ I grinned to let him know I was just teasing.
‘So cynical for one so young!’
‘I’m not cynical! Well, not all the time anyway.’ Kian laughed and I couldn’t help but smile too.
‘Well, it makes a change from me being the cynical one - that’s what the other lads say.’
‘Not cynical - realistic!’
‘Thank you! I’ve been trying to tell them that for years!’ Kian fell silent.
‘What?’
‘Nothing. It’s just weird to finally meet you.’
‘Weird. For YOU to meet ME? Hang on - more like the other way round!’
‘No, what I mean is, well, there are some fans who follow us everywhere and we recognise them, sometimes maybe even know their names, but we know nothing about them. But with you, all the letters, all the message books, I feel like I actually know you. You’ll never know how much those books mean to us. They always seem to come when we’re having a rough patch.’
I interrupted, smiling. ‘As long as it’s not the other way round!’
Kian smiled and then went on. ‘But they pick us up. They really do. They remind us that there are hundreds, even thousands, of fans around the world who have never lost faith in us. They tell us that we should never lose faith in ourselves, or doubt our own abilities.’ He put his hand over mine and gave it a squeeze. ‘I mean it, you’ll never know what a difference it makes.’
I smiled, shyly. ‘Thanks Kian. But in the same way I’ll never understand that, you’ll never understand what you’ve given us. How much we have to thank you for. I don’t just mean the music, the posters, or even the autographs, but the friends you give us. People we would never have got to meet or got to know if it wasn’t for the love of your music that we share.’
Kian looked me straight in the eye, his hand still over mine. ‘The friendships don’t just have to be between the fans you know.’
‘I don’t follow.’ I wasn’t quite sure what he was getting at.
‘I mean, there can be friendships between the band and the fans. I could tell from your letters that you weren’t just one of the fans who live for nothing but the band. Some of them, they don’t seem to realise that we’re not public property. We have bad days, just like them. We get tired, just like them. We need time to ourselves, just like they do. Don’t get me wrong, but fans like that can do more harm than good.’
‘Yeah, I guess.’
‘Look. Your letters, they’re one of the few fan letters I look forward to getting. The other guys know the same. We all know that when we come home from a long trip, whether we’re at RCA, at home, or seeing Louis, there’ll be something there from you. And that’s a nice feeling.
‘You’ve talked about me?’ This was getting more and more surreal by the minute.
‘Yeah sure. Most of the time, we get your letters together, since most of them are sent via Louis. Bryan always laughs at them.’ A worried look must have crossed my face. ‘In a good way I mean. You’ve got a really similar sense of humour to him.’
‘Is that a good thing?’ I smiled and Kian laughed.
‘Definitely. It’s Bryan’s ridiculous jokes that keep us sane most of the time.’
I noticed the air-hostess wheeling out the drinks trolley. ‘Speaking of Bryan, has his habit of flirting with air-hostesses rubbed off on the rest of you?’
‘Some of the time. But not when I’d rather be flirting with my neighbour.’ I smiled, thinking he was joking. Then, when I realised he wasn’t I felt my face turn red. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.’
‘It’s okay.’ We stopped talking when we both got drinks, but Kian kept his hand over mine and I wasn’t about to move it!
‘So,’ Kian put his empty glass down, ‘what are your plans for when you arrive?’
‘Don’t have any really. I’ve got friends and family in Sydney and Brisbane, and I’ve got a tight budget but no real plans. Just going to go wherever the wind takes me.’
‘But you’ve got somewhere to stay in Sydney, right?’
I shook my head. ‘Nope. Just the names of a few good youth hostels. No-one I know in Sydney has space to put me up.’
‘Apart from me.’
‘Huh?’
‘I’ve got a flat in Sydney. Well, we do. The five of us I mean. That’s where I’m heading for. You’re welcome to kip there whilst you’re in Sydney if you like. There’s plenty of room.’
‘You’re kidding?’
‘No. Why would I be kidding?’
‘You don’t want me to come and stay - you don’t even know me! And anyway, I’m a very messy house guest!’
‘But I want to know you, and what better way to get to know you than have you stay over for a few nights? And anyway, if I can live with Shane, I’m sure I can put up with your mess!’
‘Well then, yeah. Thanks.’ I smiled to
myself. I’d sorted myself out a place to say and we hadn’t even reached Hong
Kong yet. Even more amazing, it was with one of the most famous singers on the planet.
Amazing. Totally amazing.
Chapter 4
The rest of the flight was fairly uneventful. Both of us slept for most of the trip, only waking for food, or to stretch our legs.
On our arrival in Sydney, a few fans had obviously found out about Kian’s trip and they leapt on him as soon as we arrived in the baggage reclaim area.
I hung back, not sure what to do. But Kian loaded our stuff onto a trolley and led me outside to find a cab. The fans who had been waiting seemed slightly baffled by this tall, Scottish girl who appeared to be super glued to Kian’s side, but they didn’t say anything or ask him any questions.
When we were in the cab, Kian gave the driver the address of the flat and we sped through the streets of Sydney, and across the bridge.
Once we’d arrived at the apartment building, Kian paid the driver, despite my protests, and then fumbled around in his jacket pocket for the key to the main door.
‘Kian?’
‘Yeah.’ He found it, and opened the door.
‘Are you sure this is okay?’
‘Yeah, it’s cool.’ I followed him into the building and then the lift. He pressed the button for the top floor. The lift stopped and we walked a dozen yards down the hall to the flat door. Kian unlocked it and held it open for me. I walked is and gasped. The flat was a huge penthouse. One whole wall of the living room was glass doors which led out onto a balcony that overlooked the harbour.
‘Kian, it’s beautiful.’
‘You like it?’
‘Who wouldn’t?’ He came up behind me.
‘You can have your choice of rooms, but I’d suggest the main one. It’s Nicky’s, but he hasn’t stayed here for ages, so it should be a lot tidier than the others.’ He pointed over to a door leading off the living room. ‘Go through there, and it’s the second on the left. There’s a bathroom opposite, but it’s probably full of Bryan’s stuff, since he’s got the room next to you. Just chuck it out of the way.’
‘Okay. And listen Kian, thanks so much. I promise I won’t stay in your way for too long.’ I gave him a kiss on the cheek. He smelt wonderful.
‘Stay as long as you like. I’ll be here for a fortnight at least. Probably longer. I don’t have to be back in Ireland until the end of August. Louis shifted some stuff around so that we could have the whole summer off since already we’ve got no days off from September until Christmas. Seriously, you’re welcome to stay as long as you want.’
‘Well thanks. Listen, would it be okay if I used your phone to call home? I’ll give you money for it.’
‘Don’t be stupid. Go ahead. There’s one in here and I think there’s one in your room too. You realise it’ll be about midnight back home?’
‘Yeah I know.’ I checked my watch which was still on UK time. ‘But the ‘rents said they wanted me to call as soon as I found somewhere to stay.’
‘Okay. I’ll leave you to it. I’m going for a shower.’
I went across to the phone and started to dial. Then I put it down. How on earth was I going to explain to my parents that I was staying with Kian from Westlife? I sat down on the sofa and heard the water running in Kian’s bathroom. I looked around, trying to take it all in. I couldn’t.
So, I picked up the phone. I didn’t know what I was going to say, but my parents would panic if I didn’t get in touch.
‘Hello? Mum? Yeah, I’m fine. You would not
believe what happened on the plane.....’
Chapter 5
I spent 15 minutes on the phone home, trying to explain that I wasn’t imagining this all, even though I wasn’t sure myself. Finally, I convinced Mum that I was safe and promised that I’d phone again in a few days.
Then I went into the kitchen to boil the kettle. I was still there when Kian emerged a few minutes later.
‘Good shower?’
‘Yeah. I feel slightly more human now.’
‘I’m making coffee - want one?’
‘Yeah. I’m going to try and stay awake until tonight and then get a decent sleep. Did you get through to your folks?’
‘Mmmm.’ I nodded. ‘They’re convinced I’m totally deluded, but I managed to persuade them that they don’t need to come out and rescue me!’
‘That’s good.’ Kian poured the boiling water over the coffee and grabbed the milk out of the fridge. ‘How do you take your coffee?’
‘White, no sugar please.’ I found the cutlery drawer and took two teaspoons from it.
‘There you go.’ He handed me my coffee. ‘Coming to sit down?’ I nodded and followed him back into the living room. We sat down on the sofa which looked out onto the balcony.
‘This place must cost more each month than my budget for the whole trip!’
‘Doesn’t cost us a penny though! We managed to persuade the record company that we needed somewhere on this side of the world to base ourselves for when we do all our Asian tours. And this is what they came up with!’
‘Alright for some! I always said, when I make it as a lawyer, I’ll get myself a house on Sydney harbour bay. Now I want one even more!’
‘I know. It’s so peaceful. And none of the fans know about it, so we get left alone. Until now that is!’
‘Oh don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone. But I do know that a whole load of fans spent ages trying to find out where you’d be staying - no wonder they had no luck!’
‘Poor things. So do loads of people know I’m here then?’
‘I don’t think so. A few know you’re flying into Sydney, but no more than that.’
‘Cool. Might get some peace and quiet for once then.’
‘Nae chance - not with me around! You don’t
know what you’ve let yourself in for!’ We laughed and finished our coffees.
Chapter 6
A couple of days later, I rang Amy to arrange the meeting we’d been planning for the past 18 months. A fellow Westlife fan, Amy would be just as excited about everything that was happening as me.
‘Hello?’ It was weird hearing Amy’s voice after over a year of only reading her emails.
‘Amy, it’s Harriet!’
‘Oh my God! Hi, how are you?’ She sounded exactly like I’d imagined.
‘I’m good. How are you?’
‘Fine thanks. How was your flight?’
‘Amazing! And you’ll see why when we meet up.’ Kian had already agreed to come with me.’
‘Huh? What are you on about Harriet?’
‘Wait and see. It’s a surprise!’ Amy and I arranged to meet up that afternoon in a cafe that both Amy and Kian knew well.
‘I’ll see you later then. Can’t wait to find out what the surprise is!’
‘You’ll like it - I promise! See you soon.’
‘Yup, bye!’
‘I put the phone down and gave Kian the thumbs up sign. ‘Sorted!’
‘Cool. When?’
‘4 o’clock this arvo.’
‘Great.’ Kian smiled. ‘What do you want to do until then?’
‘I dunno. You’re the local around here!’
‘Hardly. How about a wander into town?’
‘Yeah cool. Give me half an hour to have a shower, okay?’
‘Yeah. I need to get some brekkie anyway.’
I went off for my shower and made sure I packed an
extra film for my camera into my bag - Amy would never forgive me if I didn’t get
photographic evidence of her and Kian.
Chapter 7
For the rest of the morning, Kian and I walked around the centre of Sydney. Hand in hand.
It was weird. Me and Kian. Together. We ran into a few fans and they gave me some funny looks, but they didn’t say anything. Luckily. I didn’t know what there was to explain, let alone how to explain it, and I’m not sure Kian did either.
We went for some lunch and the conversation flowed. We didn’t stop talking and before we knew it, it was already 3.15 and time to head off to meet Amy.
I walked into the cafe and instantly spotted her. She saw me too and waved. Then her jaw dropped as Kian walked in the door behind me. I went over to the table and gave her a hug.
‘Amy, Kian. Kian, Amy.’
‘Umm, hi.’ She gave Kian a quick hug and then turned back to me. ‘I take it this is the surprise then!’
‘What more do you want?!’ Amy and I sat down and Kian went to order our drinks at the counter.
Amy kicked me under the table. ‘Tell me everything - and quickly!’
‘There’s not much to tell! I met him on the plane and he offered me a place to stay.’
‘You’re telling me you’re staying with him?!’ Amy’s jaw dropped even further.
‘Yeah. They guys have got a flat in Sydney.’
‘You’re not.....? I mean, separate rooms, right?’
‘God yeah - we’re just friends.’
Kian came back across to the table carrying a tray with three coffees on it. He sat it down on the table and slid into the seat next to me. He was grinning. ‘I wonder, do you know why my ears are burning?’
I shrugged. ‘Wouldn’t know. Someone must be talking about you. Can’t think why!’
‘Hey, that wasn’t nice!’ Kian gave me a dig in the ribs and Amy watched him, sipping at her coffee. Then she looked at me.
‘What?’ I didn’t know Amy well enough yet to be able to read her expressions.
‘Nothing.’
‘No it isn’t. Tell me!’
‘No.’ I glared at her and she relented. ‘Well, it’s just that, I mean, if anyone sees you out together, they might get the wrong idea about the two of you.’
I glanced at Kian and caught his eye. We both looked away. No-one said anything. Then Kian cleared his throat. ‘Maybe we should make it the right idea then.’ His hand slipped over mine and my eyes went as wide as saucers.
‘Yeah, maybe.’ I took my hand away and tried desperately to change the subject, feeling more than slightly taken aback by the comment. ‘So, umm, Amy, any ideas for what I should do whilst I’m here?’ Out of the corner of my eye, I was Kian slip further away from me on the seat and I felt a pang of guilt rip through my heart.
Amy shot me a look and mouthed ‘sorry’.
‘I dunno. Depends how long you’re here for.’ She looked worried.
‘Well, that depends on how much there is to do.’ I tried, and failed, to lighten the atmosphere. ‘A week or so, probably. Nothing definite, apart from my flight home!’
Amy went on to give me some places to visit and
things to do. We chatted between the two of us for just over an hour. Kian said nothing
apart from a quick goodbye to Amy as we left. I felt really bad.
Chapter 8
In the taxi on the way back to the flat, Kian still said nothing. The silence was unbearable.
‘Kian....’ I could sense his body tense. ‘I’m sorry. About what happened earlier I didn’t mean to, I mean, what you said, it just took me by surprise, that’s all.’ I couldn’t look at him.
‘No, it’s not your fault. I probably shouldn’t have said it. I should stop saying what I feel.’
‘You did mean it then?’
‘Yeah. I wouldn’t have said it otherwise.’ I felt him turn and look at me. ‘I don’t suppose, there’s no chance, you couldn’t possibly feel the same, could you?’
I turned and looked him in the eye. ‘Kian, I’ve got to be honest. I just don’t know. I know I’ve got really strong feelings that appeared the second you sat down next to me, but I don’t know what they mean. And I don’t know whether those feeling are based on the pop star you, or the real you. And it’s not fair on you or me, to risk everything for it to turn out badly because I made the wrong assumption.’
Kian nodded and sighed. ‘That’s what I thought you’d say. It does hurt, I can’t deny it. But I hope you’ll get to know the real me as well as you do as the public me.’
The cab turned off the main road and I slid on the seat, straight into Kian. I looked up at him and our eyes locked. His fingers ran through my hair.
‘Kian...’ I wanted to stop him, but I couldn’t. I felt totally powerless with him.
‘Shhhhh. Don’t say anything.’ He put a finger on my lips to silence me and bent down as though to kiss me.
Then the cab stopped with a judder and we were back at the apartment. I took a deep breath and climbed out of the taxi.
Kian gave the driver the fare and followed me through the door and into the lift. Neither of us said a word, but this time the silence was comfortable.
As the lift came to a halt, I felt Kian’s hand on my shoulder. He kept it there until we were inside the flat and he went to get a drink.
I went across to the stereo and looked through the stacks of CDs piled up next to it.
‘Who’s the R’n’B fan?’ I called out to Kian.
‘Oh that’s Mark.’ Kian came back through from the kitchen.
‘And I take it the Guns ‘n’ Roses is yours?!’
‘Yeah. None of the other guys would be caught dead listening to it.’
‘What other music do you like?’
‘A bit of everything and anything really. R’n’B, pop, dance, indie. Depends on my mood. Kian drank down his whole glass of juice at once. ‘What about you?’
‘Oh I like everything too.’ I felt Kian’s arm slip around my waist and I breathed in sharply. I kept talking. ‘I mean, nothing heavy. No trance or anything like that. I have to say, I’m not much of a metal fan either.’
‘That’s okay.’ Kian rested his chin on my shoulder and I felt his hair brush against my cheek. There was enough electricity between us to power the stereo!
‘Kian, this isn’t right.’
‘For something you say isn’t right, it sure as hell feels right to me.’ His voice was little more than a whisper. I tried to walk away, but Kian’s grip around my waist was too tight.
‘Kian, don’t. Please, I can’t.’ I didn’t want to stop him, but I knew I should.
‘I can’t help how I feel Harriet. I want you to feel the same.’
‘Believe me Ki’, I want to feel the same too, but it’s got to happen naturally. You can’t force these things.’
‘What things?’
‘You know.’ I didn’t want to say it.
‘No I don’t. Tell me.’
‘Love Kian. Love.’ I spun out of his arms and faced him. ‘Don’t force me, okay? I’m scared by these feelings and you’re not making it any easier for me!’
‘It’s not easy for me either!’ Kian turned his back to me. ‘I’ve never felt like this before and it scares me too. I can’t stop myself falling in love with you!’
I felt my heart skip a beat as he said the words. ‘Kian, what did you say?’ I didn’t dare believe what I’d heard.
‘I said, I can’t stop myself falling in love with you.’
‘Don’t say that.’
‘Why? It’s the truth.’ He turned back to face me. ‘I didn’t realise it until now, but I feel complete whenever I’m with you. I want to touch you, kiss you, just be with you. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I need you to know how I feel.’
‘Kian, don’t force me into this. I’m only 16. I’m a schoolgirl, still living at home, you’re a superstar, living in exotic hotels for most of the year. You’ll get bored of me once you remember how many other girls you can have, and I’ll be the one that ends up getting hurt.’
‘But if you get hurt it’s going to be through your choice because I don’t think these feelings will ever go away now.’
‘Just give me time Kian.’ I turned to go to
my room and muttered to myself as I went. ‘I just need some time.’
Chapter 9
The next morning, I was up and dressed long before Kian was even awake. As I channel hopped through various unfamiliar TV programmes, I heard the toilet in Kian’s bathroom flush. I switched off the TV and went to put the kettle on.
A few minutes later, just as I was adding milk to Kian’s coffee, he emerged wearing a towelling dressing gown.
‘The coffee smells wonderful - any chance of a cup?’ He was smiling, but I could tell he was tired.
‘I’m one step ahead of you.’ I put the mug of fresh coffee into his hands. My whole body tingled when I touched him.
‘You’re a star.’ Kian slurped his coffee as he headed into the living room.
‘I must be honoured.’ I followed Kian through and sat down.
‘Why?’
‘Well, how many people get to see you in the morning even before you’ve brushed your hair?’ I grinned cheekily, relieved the tension of the night before seemed to have disappointed. Kian ran his hand over his sun-bleached hair.
‘You’re right. It’s an immense privilege - count yourself lucky!’ He smiled again, but only his mouth smiled - his eyes were sad.
‘Kian,’ my voice softened, ‘what’s wrong?’
He sighed and put his empty coffee cup down on the table. ‘I’m okay.’
‘You don’t seem it.’
‘I just feel bad for pressurising you last night.’ He looked away. ‘Whatever else happens, I already feel like I’ve made an amazing friend since I met you, and I don’t want to damage that.’
‘Oh Kian.’ Now I fell guilty. ‘You didn’t do anything. This whole, this whole thing has taken me over, and I don’t know what to do. My feelings are so strong, but I don’t know what it is I’m feeling.’ I shook my head. ‘Just ignore me. I’m probably talking a whole load of nonsense.’
‘God no, no way.’ Kian turned sideways on the sofa so he could face me. Every time we made eye contact it was like a spark igniting. ‘I know what you mean cos I feel the same. I don’t know what it is or why it’s happened, but something or someone has brought us together and we connected. I can’t explain it, but I’m not sure I need to, or want to.
I nodded. ‘Sometimes it’s better not to question these things.’
As Kian went off to get dressed, I thought again about my options. There weren’t exactly dozens of them. Stay with Kian, as a couple and see what happens. Stay friends, and both of us try to ignore the other feelings. Or just walk away and try to forget the whole thing ever happened.
Hearing the shower running, I knew I’d never be able to ‘just forget’ the past few days. So that left me two options, stay friends, or get together as a couple.
I took Kian’s mug into the kitchen and rinsed it in the sink. Kian found me there a few minutes later, gazing out of the window, my mind thousands of miles away. I came back to reality as he waved his hand in front of my face.
‘Earth to Harriet! Earth calling Harriet.’ He was smiling.
‘Sorry, I was miles away.’
‘I noticed.’ He was still smiling. Looking at him, I suddenly realised that my heart had been ruling my head. In that second, everything became clearer, and I knew what I had to do.
‘Kian, we need to talk.’
Chapter 10
‘Why do I have the feeling I’m not going to like this?’ Kian looked worried as we sat down again.
‘Maybe not. But I’ve got to go with this before I get lost in these emotions again.’ I took a deep breath. ‘Kian, there can’t be anymore than friendship between us.’
Kian’s face fell and my heart dropped to the bottom of my stomach like a lead balloon. ‘I knew I wasn’t going to like this. Can I know why?’
‘I think you already do. In the same way I’ve known for a lot longer than I realised. I’m 16 Kian. I’ve lived in a tiny village for 4 years. In that time you’ve travelled the world. Several times. You have flats in London, New York and Sydney. I have a measly holiday cottage in Devon. You’re away working more than you’re at home. I’m about to start my A-levels, I want to go to university. I met you less than a week ago. How am I supposed to know that you don’t bring fans back to your flat all the time? I’ve got so much to lose. Maybe you do to, but you can go back to your high-profile exotic lifestyle. If I get hurt I go back to cold and rainy Scotland, where I see you every day all over the TV and papers. Constant reminders Ki’. Constant reminders that I made the wrong decision. I’m the one that’ll come out of this the worst. It’s already a beautiful friendship. I don’t see why we can’t just leave it at that.’ I let out a big sigh. ‘Aren’t you going to say anything?' I tried to read his face for a reaction, but it was totally expressionless.
‘There’s no point. It doesn’t seem like anything I say will make a difference anyway.’ His voice was cold and distant and it startled me.
‘Kian, please. I don’t want to hurt you.’
‘Too late.’ Kian got up and went into his
bedroom. I flinched as the door slammed. Then the tears came. Rolling silently down my
cheeks as I went to pack my bags.
Chapter 11
Less than an hour later, I’d repacked everything and was ready to leave. I didn’t want to go without saying goodbye.
I tapped on his bedroom door, and gently pushed it open. The curtains were still drawn, and there was only light from the hallway for me to see by. Kian was lying face down on the bed.
‘What do you want?’ His voice was thick, like he’d been crying too.
‘I’m going Ki’. I just wanted to say goodbye. And thanks for giving me a place to stay.’
‘Glad I could be of help. Close the door on your way out.’
Struggling to keep back the tears, I pulled the door closed behind me and went to put the note I had written on the coffee table. I read it over.
Dear Kian,
I didn’t mean for it to turn out like this. I never wanted to hurt you.
Maybe someday you’ll be able to forgive me, and we might be friends again. I really hope so.
All my love,
Harriet
xxx
Underneath I’d put all my contact numbers and addresses for home and for my relatives in Australia.
I took one last look around the apartment, picked up
my backpack and walked away.
Chapter 12
Six weeks on and I was back home, getting ready for my GCSE results. Not a day went by without me thinking about Kian, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell even my closest friends about the bond that we’d shared. The bond I’d destroyed.
After rubbing on some more sunscreen, I sat back on the chair I’d taken outside to read a magazine. For the first time in my life, I had a tan that wasn’t out of a bottle and I was determined to keep it, at least until school restarted.
But my concentration didn’t stay on the magazine for long. Pretty quickly, I was think about Kian again.
I had heard absolutely nothing from him since I left, and although I wasn’t surprised, I was still sad.
That night, I tossed and turned, worrying about my results. At 3 am, I gave up on sleeping and went downstairs to make myself a drink. I sat down on the old rocking chair and tried to relax.
I must have nodded off at some point, and the next thing I knew Mum was shaking me awake. She had the dreaded brown envelope in her hand. I rubbed my neck, which was stiff from sleeping upright, and drank down the cup of tea Mum had brought me.
‘Come on Harriet, let’s see!’ She actually looked excited. I took a deep breath, ripped open the envelope and pulled out the results sheet. My jaw hit the ground.
English literature A
English language A*
Maths A
French A*
Physics A
Chemistry B
German B
History A
Latin B
I couldn’t speak. I handed the sheet to Mum, not daring to believe it. Two A*s, an A and a B for the subjects I wanted to do at A-level. I was totally dumbfounded.
Mum gave me a giant hug and yelled for Dad to come through from the kitchen. He squeezed me so tight I could hardly breath, but I didn’t care.
The phone rang and Mum rushed to answer it.
‘Hello? Yes, she’s here. I’ll just get her for you.’
‘Who is it?’ I finally got my voice back.
‘Don’t know. Some guy.’ Mum practically pushed Dad out of the door. ‘We’ll leave you to it.’
I went and picked up the receiver. ‘Hello? Who’s that?’
‘Harriet, it’s Shane Filan. There’s been an
accident.’
Chapter 13
In that split second, my heart stopped. It seemed like my whole body stopped working. I
sat down on the chair. Hard.
‘Hello? Are you still there?’ Shane’s voice brought me back to my senses.
‘I’m here. Shane what’s happened?’
‘He was hit by a car when he was doing some shopping.’
‘When? Where? Is he okay?’ Kian’s name hadn’t even been mentioned, but I knew that’s who we were talking about.
‘Yesterday afternoon, in London. He’s not good. He’s drifting in and out of consciousness, but he was awake for a while earlier and asked for us to phone you.’
A huge lump formed in my throat. He still remembered me. ‘Shane, what can I do?’
‘First thing, don’t tell anyone unless it’s absolutely necessary. It’s a miracle that the press haven’t got hold of this yet, and that’s the way we want to keep it. Is there any chance that you might be able to get down here?’
‘Oh God. I don’t know. I’ll try and get a flight or a train or something. I have to come. I’ll walk if I need to!’
‘Thank you. We’re all hoping you can get down here. We know how much you mean to him. I’ll give you my mobile number. Obviously, I can’t have my phone on in the hospital, but it’s got a message service and I’ll come out and check it every now and then.’
I took a note of the number, and details of the hospital and promised I’d ring as soon as I found out about getting down there.
I went through to the kitchen, making notes of what I needed to do before I left.
‘Who was it?’ Mum looked curious.
‘Just a friend. Look, I’ve got to go to London.’ There was no point messing around.
‘Oh that’ll be nice. With some friends from school?’
‘No, Mum, you don’t get it. I’ve got to go London. Today, now, two hours ago.’ Mum obviously realised there was no point in arguing. She of all people knew that it wasn’t worth arguing with me.
‘I suppose I’d better make some phone calls to get you down there then.’
‘Thanks Mum.’ I went upstairs to throw some stuff together as Mum picked up the phone.
A few minutes later, I went back into the kitchen, carrying a shoulder bag with the basics I needed to take with me.
‘I’ve got you a flight to Heathrow for 11.15. Do you need somewhere to stay?’
‘No.’ Shane had told me I could stay at their flat.
‘Mum, I really can’t tell you. You’ll have to trust me on this.’
‘You’re not in any kind of trouble, are you?’
‘No, I’m okay. I promise.’ I checked my watch. 9:50. ‘Look, I’d better head off. Can you give me a lift, or should I call for a cab?’
‘Don’t be stupid. I’ll drive you.’ Mum went to get her keys and I gave Dad a quick hug. Mum had explained to him what was going on. Or as much as she knew anyway.
Sitting in the car, Mum and I didn’t say anything. She flicked on the radio. After the song finished, the DJ came on.
‘We’ve just had some very sad news. Kian Egan has been involved in an accident and is in a critical condition in hospital in London. At the moment, we have very few details, but as soon as we know anymore we’ll let you know.’ He went on to introduce the latest Westlife song, but Mum turned it off.
‘Is that why you’re going to London?’
I sighed. I couldn’t lie to her. ‘Yeah. It was Shane on the phone.’
‘But you haven’t heard anything from Kian since you got back.’ Mum didn’t know about what happened whilst I was there.
‘I know, but Shane said he asked for me.’
‘What about you? Do you want to see him?’
‘I don’t know. But I’ve got to be there. I’d never forgive myself if something happened and I wasn’t there.’
We didn’t say anything else during the journey. Inside the airport, I called Shane whilst Mum picked up my tickets.
‘Hello?’
‘Shane, it’s Harriet. I was expecting your voice mail.'
‘I had to come outside and get some fresh air. How are you doing?’
‘I’m at Edinburgh airport. I’ll be at Heathrow at 12.30.’
‘I’ll come and meet you. Or one of the other guys will.’
‘Thanks.’ I felt relieved that I wouldn’t have to make my way through London by myself. ‘Shane, how is he?’
I heard him sigh. ‘Stable. But still critical. No-one knows how it’s going to go. His Mum and Dad are coming across.’
‘Do you realise the press know now?’
‘No I didn’t. Shit. That’s all we need. What do they know?’
‘That he’s critically ill in a London hospital after an accident.’
‘Fabulous. We’ll have to try and avoid them.’
‘Yeah. Listen, I better go. I’ll see you soon. Take care, okay?’
‘You too.’
Mum and I headed straight for the gate. I hugged her and tried not to cry. ‘Look after yourself, okay?’ Mum had tears in her eyes.
‘Uh-huh. I’ll phone you when I can.’
‘Take care.’
‘Bye.’
Walking through security to the boarding area, the
tears were flowing down my cheeks uncontrollably. I just wanted to get there.
Chapter 14
The flight seemed to take forever, and I couldn’t calm myself down at all.
We touched down in London five minutes early, and I instantly spotted Shane in the arrivals hall, even though had had on a baseball cap and sunglasses. I went across and gave him a hug.
‘Any news?’ Anything could have happened in the hour I’d been on the plane.
Shane shook his head. ‘Just the same. Critical but stable.’
‘When do his parents arrive?’
‘Not until tomorrow. They have stuff to sort out before they can come across. They’ll be here first thing in the morning.
‘What’s happening with the press?’
‘They’ve found out what hospital it is. All the entrances are covered. It’s a total nightmare. I had to get out through the kitchen to avoid being spotted.’
During this conversation, Shane had led me through the airport and out to his car. I threw my bag into the boot and jumped in the passenger seat.
‘I hope you don’t mind going via the flat. I need to get changed and get myself a decent cup of tea.’
‘No that’s fine. I could do with a coffee anyway. I hardly slept last night.’
‘How come?’ Shane looked puzzled as he started the engine.
‘My GCSE results came out today.’
‘Oh God, I didn’t think. I’m so sorry.’
‘Don't worry. I’m glad you phoned.’
‘How did your results go?’
‘Amazing actually. It’s not really sinking in. 2 A*s, 3Bs and 4As.’
‘Wow. Congratulations.’
‘Thanks. But it seems kind of irrelevant at the moment.’
We stopped back at the flat for half an hour whilst Shane had a shower and I dropped my stuff off in the guest room. We both gulped down our drinks and headed straight back to the car.
It was a short ride to the hospital but we had to go through a maze of back streets to avoid being seen.
Eventually, Shane pulled the car up next to the food entrance at the back of the hospital.
‘This is about as far away from ITU as we can get, but I’d rather this than have to put up with the press.’ I nodded, suddenly anxious about seeing Kian again.
As we walked through the hospital, Shane talked a mile-a-minute, explaining what I should say if any of the press cornered me. He seemed to have switched off all his emotions. ‘Listen, Harriet, I have to warn you, he’s not a pretty sight. There are lots of machines around him and he’s got a whole mess of bandages on.’
‘Okay.’ The lift we were in stopped and the doors opened. We turned to the right and I saw Bryan and Nicky at the other end of the corridor. Shane introduced us, and they both hugged me.
‘How is he?’ Shane looked at both of them for news.
‘Well, he’s awake again. Talking a bit more and stuff.’ Bryan looked shattered. ‘Mark’s with him now.’
‘Bryan and I are going to go and speak to the journalists outside. We reckon it’s better they hear the truth before the rumours start spreading.’ Nicky was putting his jacket on.
‘Okay. I’ll stay with Harriet and take her in to see him.’
‘See you later then.’ Nicky half waved and he and Bryan turned down the stairs.
‘Ready to go in?’ Shane turned back to me.
I nodded, not ready at all.
Chapter 15
I followed Shane to the end of the corridor and into a small side room. Kian was lying in the bed, his head wrapped so much in bandages he was unrecognisable, apart from his eyes. Mark was sitting on a plastic chair, talking quietly to him. Mark looked up when he heard me and Shane enter, smiled, and then turned back to Kian.
‘Ki’, Harriet’s here.’ Kian tried to move his head, but I stepped forward to save him the effort. Mark stood up and I took his seat.
‘We’ll leave you to it.’ Shane guided Mark out of the door.
I took Kian’s hand in mine and flinched as I felt how cold it was. His mouth was so dry, it took him a long time to speak each word.
‘I didn’t know if you’d come or not.’ His voice was really weak and I had to lean forward to hear what he was saying.
‘Shhh, I’m here now.’ I stroked his forehead, trying to soothe myself as much as Kian. ‘Oh Kian, I’m so sorry.’
‘It’s not your fault. I was stupid.’
‘But for everything else.’ I knew he knew what I was talking about.
‘Don’t be. I’m just glad you’re here now.’ The tiniest smile came across his face and it brought tears to my eyes. ‘Don’t cry.’
I wiped the tears from my cheeks. ‘I just can’t bear to see you like this.’ I buried my head in his shoulder and he patted my back until I calmed down. ‘I’m sorry. I’m supposed to be looking after you, not the other way round.’
‘You’re looking after me just by being here.’
‘Kian, I made the wrong decision. I know it now. I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.’
‘Stop saying sorry. I’m just glad you’ve changed your mind. I never, ever forgot you.’ It seemed to me like he was growing stronger every second.
‘I never forgot you either. I thought about you everyday.’
‘Every second.’ He raised his arm and pointed it loosely in the direction of the drawer in his bedside locker. ‘Look in there.’
I stood up and pulled open the drawer. On top of everything that was inside was a slightly tatty photo of me and Kian laughing on the steps of the Opera House, on our first day in Sydney. My heart leapt as I saw the picture and remembered when it was taken. ‘Kian, I don’t know what to say.’
‘That’s gone with me everywhere I’ve been. I look at it all the time.’
‘Kian, I think I love you.’ I blurted out the words, terrified of what I was saying.
The smile came properly. ‘You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that. I love you too.’ Kian squeezed my hand.
‘Ki’, I want to help you get better. Look after you.’
‘But what about your A-levels?’
‘I don’t care anymore. I just want to be with you.’
‘Do you mean it?’
‘Yeah. I mean it.’ I lent down and gave him a gentle kiss. ‘I’m never leaving you again.’
‘Thank you. Thank you so much. I need to sleep now. Will you be here when I wake up?’
‘If I’m not, I’ll just be getting a drink or something. I won’t be far away. I promise.’ I gave his hand a little squeeze and left him to sleep.
I saw Shane sitting in the waiting room and went in. He looked up as the door opened. ‘You seem a lot happier than when you went in.’
‘I am. Believe me, I am.’
Chapter 16
Later that afternoon, I dozed off in the waiting room, and only woke when I heard a rush of voices and people outside the door. I sat up and saw that Shane had gone from the room. I got up quickly and went out into the hall. Shane was standing outside Kian’s room, and Bryan, Mark and Nicky were trying to get one of the nurses to tell them what was going on.
‘What’s happening?’
Shane turned around. His eyes were red. ‘It’s not good.’ His voice broke on every word.
‘He’s not.....?’ I couldn’t bring myself to say the word.
‘No. Not yet.’
‘Not yet? Oh god.’ Tears stung my eyes and I couldn’t breath. ‘He has to be okay. He HAS to.’ Shane put his arms around me and I cried like a baby.
‘Come on Harriet. We’ve got to be strong for him.’
I dried my tears. ‘I know. I’m sorry.’ I took a deep breath and followed Shane across to where the others had finally cornered one of the nurses. Nicky turned round.
‘It doesn’t look good.’ He had been crying too.
‘Oh God. Don’t say that.’ I tried to calm myself down.
All of a sudden, three or four nurses ran out of the staff room and into Kian’s room. As they opened the door, I could hear all the machines beeping frantically.
The five of us fell silent and I knew we were all
praying as hard as we could. This couldn’t happen now. Not now.
Chapter 17
The next quarter of an hour was unbearable. Doctors and nurses buzzed in and out of the room, and we were ushered into the waiting room so we wouldn’t get in the way. No-one would tell us anything and we were going out of our minds with worry.
Eventually, the senior registrar came in and sat down. At first he didn’t say anything, and just looked round at each of us. Even he seemed close to tears.
‘Well? You’ve kept us waiting long enough as it is.’ I was never patient at the best of times.
He shook his head. ‘It’s no good. There’s nothing left for us to do. One by one, his organs are failing.’
‘Oh no.’ Mark, who had been the strongest of all of us up until then, broke down in tears. Bryan went to comfort him.
The doctor went on. ‘We’ve made him comfortable, and he’s still able to talk. But it’s only a matter of time. I really am so sorry. We’ve done everything we can. Is there anything you’d like us to do?’
Shane was the only one of us who seemed able to talk. ‘Could you send someone down to tell the press what’s happening. The fans have got to know. And ask them to leave us in peace. None of us are strong enough to deal with them at the moment.’
‘Of course. I really am so sorry.’ The doctor couldn’t have been much older than Kian himself, and he looked devastated. He stood up and left, closing the door behind him.
‘So what do we do know?’ I felt surprisingly calm.
Mark wiped his eyes. ‘I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t face him now.’
Bryan nodded. ‘Me either. I’m sorry, I just can’t do it. I want to remember him the way he was, not like this.’ Bryan and Mark walked out of the room, leaving Shane, Nicky and I in silence.
‘I’ve got to see him. I made the biggest mistake of my life in July, and I lost a month with him. I’m not going to lose any more time now.’
‘Yeah. Definitely. Do you mind if we come with you?’ Shane sounded calm, but he had gone really pale.
‘I’m sorry, count me out guys.’ Nicky finally spoke. ‘I can’t watch him fade away.’ Nicky stood up and left.
‘Just me and you then.’ Shane forced a smile.
‘Yeah. And Kian.’ Shane put his arm around me, and we walked down to his room. I sat down on the chair next to his bed, and Shane pulled up another chair. A lot of the machines had been switched off, and some of the bandages were gone.
‘Hey guys.’ We knew that Kian knew it wasn’t going to be much longer. The doctor had told him.
‘Hi Kian.’ I took his hand in mine and kissed it. ‘I don’t know what to say now.’
‘Me neither.’ Shane didn’t seem able to look at Kian.
‘You don’t have to say anything. Just stay with me. I’m scared.’ A single tear rolled down Kian’s cheek. Shane’s chair scraped and he ran out of the room. ‘Just you and me then pal.’ Kian smiled.
‘Yeah. You and me.’
The smile faded. ‘I’m so scared Harriet. I always said I wasn’t scared of death, but now I realise death and dying are two totally different things.’
‘I just wish I could do something.’
‘Just be here. Hold my hand. I don’t want to be alone.’
‘I’m never leaving you Kian. I promised.’ I held his hand next to my heart. ‘You’ll always have a place in here. My heart will beat for you.’ The tears were rolling down my cheeks, but I didn’t even notice.
‘I just want you to know, I love you. So much. More than anyone else I’ve ever loved. No matter what’s happened, I’m so glad you’re here with me now.’
‘I love you too Kian. I always will. I couldn’t stop myself even if I tried.’
‘Never forget. Do you promise?’
‘I promise.’ I kissed him, but he was too weak even to kiss me back.
‘I’ll always be there for you. I’ll watch over you.’ He smiled, and I felt his hand go limp in mine. The heart monitor beeped, and one of the nurses came running into the room. She checked his obs and then put her hand on my shoulder.
‘He’s gone.’
‘No he’s not. He’ll never be gone.’ I smiled. ‘There are too many memories for him ever to be gone.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. He died smiling.’ I gave
Kian a final kiss on the cheek. It was still salty from his tears. Then I went outside to
break the news.
Chapter 18
The week after Kian’s death passed me by in a haze. It didn’t sink in, at all. Luckily, the press left us alone. Not that they knew I was with Kian when he died. They assumed the ‘close friend’ they’d been told about was one of the other band members.
The fans weren’t as respectful though. They camped outside the guys’ flat and made us hostages inside. Even though we all knew they were upset too, none of us could face speaking to them.
It had been decided less than 24 hours after Kian’s parents arrived that there would be a public memorial service in London, and then the next day the funeral would take place in Sligo.
Both Kian’s mum and Shane asked me to speak at both the services. I agreed. The funeral would be easy compared to the public service. Everyone who would be going to the funeral knew how close we were. The fans had never seen me before. They didn’t know who I was.
The night before the public service, the number of fans outside slowly dwindled away until no-one was left. I gazed out of the window as I pressed the black suit that Mum and Dad had brought down with them. They had come down to stay nearby and give me moral support, but they didn’t appreciate the way Kian had changed, or why it was affecting me so much. And I couldn’t explain it.
Shane walked into the room, carrying more of the flowers that had been left outside. ‘You’re going to burn a whole through those trousers if you don’t move the iron soon!’
‘What? Oh right, yeah.’
He layed the flowers down and came across to where I was standing. ‘Are you okay?’
‘What’s okay?! I’m just nervous about tomorrow.’
‘Don’t be. Just be honest.’ He smiled ‘I’m sure Kian will help you through.’
Shane was the only person I’d told about Kian’s promise to me. He was the only one that came anywhere near to understanding the closeness between us.
‘Yeah, he’ll look after me. How about you?’
‘I’m more nervous about singing than speaking. There’s no way the four of us will be able to make it through the song without breaking down.’ The four remaining members were going to be singing a specially altered version of ‘She Moves Through The Fair’.
‘You’ll be fine.’ I gave Shane a hug and headed for bed.
The next morning, I got up at 9, after a fitful night’s sleep. I showered and dressed quickly. By the time I was tying my hair back, Shane was knocking on my bedroom door. ‘Time to go Harriet. You ready?’
‘Just about. Give me two minutes.’
‘Okay. I’ll see you outside.’
I kissed Kian’s bracelet, that his Mum wanted me
to have, tucked into my pocket and left.
Chapter 19
The number of people and flowers outside the church took my breath away. Over 500 fans were crammed into the church and there must have been more than twice that again outside.
Inside, Shane, Nicky, Bryan, Mark and I were lead up the aisle and shown to our seats at the front. I felt a lump form in my throat as I saw the giant picture of Kian at the front of the church, smiling. Shane saw the tears in my eyes and squeezed my hand as we sat down.
The priest welcomed us all, and immediately invited me to come and speak. I took a deep breath and made my way forward.
‘I know that none of you know who I am, or why I’m here. And it terrifies me to have to explain it to you all.’ I saw a sea of confused faces staring up at me. ‘I was with Kian when he dies. I was holding his hand, talking to him. I want you all to know, he died smiling, he was in no pain. And he’s not gone. He’s here with us now, and as long as none of you ever forget, he’ll never be gone.
‘I met Kian less than two months ago, but he has changed my life more than anyone else I’ve ever met. I truly believe that we were, that we ARE, soul mates. He lives in me and I lived in him. When he died, a little bit of me died too. But in the same way, a little bit of Kian still lives with me.’ I was surprised at how calm I was managing to stay. ‘I know each and everyone one of you will have your own memories of Kian, and I know how precious memories are. Kian loved each and everyone of his fans. I know sometimes he was grumpy, unsociable, whatever, but he loved you all to bits. He was so grateful to each of you, of us, for putting him in the position where over 1200 people turn up to say goodbye to him.’ I smiled as I remembered the last few minutes I spent with him. ‘One of the last things Kian asked me to do was promise to him that I would never forget. I know I’ll keep my promise, and I hope you will too.’
I sat down next to Shane and breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Well done.’ Shane smiled at me.
‘Thanks.’
The rest of the service passed me by in a blur. Apart from the song. Somehow, the four of them managed to hold it together enough to get through the song, and there wasn’t a dry eye left in the house when they finished. I reached out and squeezed Shane’s hand as he sat down.
‘Kian would be proud.’
‘That’s what I was hoping.’
Shane’s eyes were sad, but I felt him relax as he sat next to me. Kian was with us
both.
Chapter 20
Outside the church, after the service, Shane I walked amongst some of the fans. Nicky, Mark and Bryan still didn’t feel up to facing anyone, but Shane and I felt we owed it to them. They were all comforting one another and laying gifts, flowers and letters outside the church. Some of the cards and letters sent me into tears again.
The two of us spent half an hour talking to and supporting them. After that, we headed back to the flat to get ready for our flight to Sligo. Shane and I were catching a later flight than everyone else so we could tie things up in London.
Shane sat with his arm around me in the cab on the way home. I could sense him watching me in a way he hadn’t done before. It made me feel uncomfortable.
‘What?’
‘Oh nothing.’
‘It must be something.’
‘I just...no, I can’t say it.’ Shane looked twitchy.
‘Say what?’
‘I...I can see what Kian saw in you.’
My heart pounded in my throat. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I can understand why he fell in love with you.’
‘What are you saying Shane?’
‘I think it’s happening to me too.’
‘You what?’ I couldn’t believe it.
‘Oh God, I shouldn’t have said anything.’
‘Too bloody right you shouldn’t have said anything! How could you Shane?’
‘I’m sorry. I just had to say something.’
‘Why? You’re the only person I’ve been able to rely on in the last week, and now you dump all this on me!’
‘I’m sorry. You’ve been there for me too. The other guys have been so caught up in themselves - they don’t see how many other people this is affecting.’
‘So?’
‘So I’ve been depending on you.’
‘That doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with me! For Christ’s sake Shane, I don’t need this!’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t exactly want this either. You think I planned to fall in love with my dead best friend’s other half? It’s not exactly my idea of great planning!’
‘But why did you have to tell me?’ I saw the hurt in Shane’s eyes and it touched something deep inside of me. My voice softened. ‘Oh Shane, what do I do now?’
‘About what?’
‘About you and me.’
‘You mean there are options?’
I paused for a second. ‘Yeah.’
‘And what are they?’
‘Shane....’
‘What?’
‘Don’t do this to me. Not now. Not today of all days.’
‘Promise me you’ll think about it.’
‘I promise.’ I seemed to be making an awful
lot of promises to different people. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to keep
them all.
Chapter 21
The atmosphere between Shane and I was tense as we got ready to leave for Sligo. It seemed to me like every time I turned around Shane was watching me.
‘What?’
‘I can’t take my eyes off you. You’re so beautiful.’ He crossed the room to where I was standing and brushed my cheek with his hand.
‘Shane, don’t.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I’m not ready.’
‘Does that mean something will happen when you are?’
‘I don’t know. This is weird.’
‘What is?’
‘The way you make me feel.’ Shane was so close I could feel his breath on my face.
‘Is it good or bad?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘How can I help you find out?’
‘I...I...’
‘How about like this?’ Shane tilted my chin towards him and kissed me. At first, I tried to fight him off, but then I dissolved away into his kisses. When we pulled apart, we were both breathless.
‘Shane...’
‘Shhhh.’ He put a finger on my lips and kissed me again. This time I didn’t fight him. he pulled me so close that I melted into his body.
‘Oh God. Shane, I shouldn’t.’ I tried to pull myself away from him.
‘Why?’
‘You need to ask? Kian’s barely been dead a week.’
‘So?’
‘How can I be in love with you already?’
‘Harriet, I think you’re confusing what you had with Kian and what we have. You and Ki’ were soul mates, two sides of the same coin. You said you loved him, but loving someone and being IN love with someone are two completely different things. Do you understand?’ Shane looked me straight in the eye.
‘Yeah, I think so. What I had with Kian, he made me feel like one half of a whole, but with you, you make me feel like a whole person in myself, not just the other half of Kian.’
‘So, do you admit the difference?’
‘Yeah. And anyway, Kian said he would keep me happy, and if I feel so happy now, it must be his doing.’ I smiled and kissed Shane lightly.
‘What happens now?’
‘What do you want to happen?’
‘I want it to be you and me together.’
‘Your wish is my command.’ I kissed him again. ‘And now, we have a plane to catch. But it seems a little pointless, since the friend we’re supposed to be saying goodbye to obviously hasn’t gone anywhere, only he’s invisible now.’
‘Yeah. But he needs the send off he deserves. After all, he brought us together.’
I smiled and realised just how lucky I was. In less than two months, I’d met my soulmate and the love of my life. Shane slipped his arm around my waist and we walked out of the door, with Kian in his special place in our heart’s.
~The end~
