Sans Fig Leaf

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Out There!

"My life as a movie of the week"

25 May, 2001

If someone were to let me turn part of my life into a movie or play or something, I think I'd like it to be an action-adventure with a topical edge. The hero would be the quiet, yet driven publisher of a literary 'zine, striving to sell and promote quality writing in a world that just wants cheap and flashy erotica. At the same time, our hero fights a never-ending battle for respect and equal rights in a homophobic society.

Our hero, of course, would be portrayed by Brendan Fraser. For marketing purposes, they would dump the name, "Gene Breshears" and instead give our hero a moniker like "Colorado Smith" or "Dirk Steele." The movie would probably be a big flop, setting Brendan's career back years. Unless, of course, it was badly written, then it would be a fantastic success, spawning multiple sequels and countless imitations.

A more likely scenario would be for certain of my relatives (but let's not mention names, shall we?) to tell their shocking tale of what they imagine my life to be to a sleazy tabloid. The story would get turned into a movie of the week entitled "Predators and Perverts." The movie would begin at an idyllic church picnic in the Colorado Rockies. Characters bearing the names of certain of my relatives would appear, exuding southern charm and otherwise appearing to be moral, upright citizens doing everything in their power to nurture young Gene on the path to righteousness and morality. The scene would end with a closeup of one of these relatives reading a bible story to a cute little child actor, and then would dissolve to the garish lights and sleazy shadows of a bar in the bad part of some city, where Paul Reubens is trying to pick up another man for some quick, dirty sex. This would be followed by a montage of other scenes, each more depraved and unwholesome than the one before, as our tragic protagonist falls further and further from grace. None of which has any relationship to any portion of my life as it has actually happened, but these are people who believe Jerry Falwell is both a great spiritual teacher and the only reliable source for true, unbiased news in the world. Their grasp on reality is tenuous at best.

A more saleable concept might be a nostalgia piece. Instead of a movie, it could be a sitcom that would recreate the late 1970s, in a middle-sized town in southwest Washington, with the nearest metropolitan area being Portland, Oregon, an hour's drive away. Our hero is a confused, but talented young man who had been struggling with his attraction to other boys for years, who secretly enjoys being a geek and a nerd (since no one expects such a person to go out on dates, anyway). He is surrounded by a varied group of teens, zany teachers, and the parents of his friends. His mother is a hard-working single mom who is more of a friend than an authority figure. Other relatives would appear from time to time, frequently making attempts to introduce more discipline and structure into our hero's life. Our hero's continued participation in (and rising to leadership positions of) an evangelical Christian touring choir would form a sharp and ironic contrast the his sexual identity struggle. A running gag in the show would be the introduction of yet another cousin as one of his schoolmates each episode. Danny Masterson would play me because that's actually what I looked like in high school.

But the medium that best suits a portrayal of my life would be a soap opera. Jason Alexander would be cast as the slightly nerdish computer professional who tries to juggle career, friends, hobbies, and a continuing interest in world affairs. His wacky friends and co-workers would be a diverse cast whose relationships change and evolve over time. The set designer would need a separate budget just for the teddy bears and other plushies which would adorn our hero's home, and the technical advisors would have to include a physicist and a music teacher. If ever there was an unfortunate accident on the set, it would probably involve a large, heavy bookcase full of reference books falling on one of the actors.

Maybe they'd cast Brendan Fraser as our protagonist's lover, Michael.

And Matthew Ferguson would be their houseboy.

(Okay, so in real life we don't have a houseboy. This is TV we're talking here, not reality, right?)