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22 November, 2000
Making decisions doesn't always come easy to me. I can't look at any situation without immediately composing lists of pros, cons, and alternatives. Then different parts of my personality debate it like a very disorganized and fractious committee. It's irritating enough for all my friends, but imagine what it's like to live inside this skull. Other decisions are easy. For example, this year I was presented with a few choices for celebrating the Thanksgiving holiday.
The first option was to drive 160 miles to a dinner to be attended by at least sixteen relatives (many of whom are still less than comfortable or tolerant of my sexual orientation) crammed into a house too small for that many people.
The second option was to drive across town to a dinner to be attended by at least fourteen of my late husband's relatives crammed into an even smaller house which reminds me of Ray's pain and lonliness (though I think that may be more because of the arguing than the house itself).
The third option was to cook a meal for Michael and myself, letting him sleep in after a long night at work, and enjoying the holiday together in the final place that Ray called home.
Somehow I think it will be easier for me to enter into a spirit of thankfulness at home with just the two of us. And I do have a lot to be thankful for. My boyfriend's a sweet guy with an even sweeter smile who puts up with all my idiosyncratic behavior. My circle of friends is a varied group of people who like to get-together and do the sorts of things I like to do, which often just means sharing good food and talking. I'm relatively healthy. My mom has met my boyfriend and not only likes him, she said she (and my grandparents and my Aunt Silly) were "blown away" by everything about him. The weather has been wonderful. I've been getting a lot of writing done. The magazine I edit is doing well.
Things have been bumpy from time to time, and I'm sure they will be again, but life is good. When I remember to be grateful for the things I have, and not worry about the things I don't, everything goes much more smoothly. We often can't control what happens to us, but we do control how we react to them.
So I'm going to be very happy with our small turkey and our simpler holiday meal. I will restrain myself from cooking fourteen extra side dishes. We'll light some candles and cuddle up and tell each other how much we love each other. We'll recharge our emotional batteries.
We're going to need all the bolstering we can get in, because Christmas will be with the family.
Note to regular readers: I'm in holiday time, now. I have a lot of vacation days I have to use up before the end of the year, so I'm taking Fridays off until New Year's, plus a full week just before Christmas. I'll probably be uploading essays on Fridays for the duration, rather than Thursdays.
You might notice that I didn't mention my job among the things that I'm grateful for. Less than two weeks ago it was announced that the company where I have been working for over twelve years is being acquired by a much larger corporation. I have been offered numerous assurances of continued employment with equal or comparable benefits, but things are going to be different. Some of my favorite co-workers will be working elsewhere once the deal is done. We may move to a new office space. The nature of our business will change. It may turn out to be a resounding improvement. There's no way to know and nothing I can do about it at the moment. So I'm not worrying about it. I'll just enjoy what I have, and cross those other bridges when I get to them.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
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This page is copyright 2000 by Gene Breshears. Photograph is copyright 1998 by Julie Rampke. All Rights Reserved.
